


Acai Lemonade

by byuniehoney



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Parent Suho, Police Officer Jongdae, Police Officer Jongin, Police Officer Sehun, and the ex embers are lawyers but they're not in his gc (or at least not often), but then chanyeol talks about the gross things he found in a caucasians body, chatfic, detective baekhyun, detective kyungsoo, detective suho, forensic pathologist chanyeol, forensic pathologist minseok, forensic pathologist yixing, he always tells ot8 to not tell his son work related things, he finds such weird shit I'm honestly concerned and IM the writer, im babbling in tags, some SM artists are sometimes mentioned, suho has the loveliest little boy, this probably seems wild and dark and shit but it's actual crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-01-05 20:18:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12196683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byuniehoney/pseuds/byuniehoney
Summary: When you live such a busy life as these hardworking men (or fucking smart losers), one of the best options to stay in contact with your friends is a chat.OR: the detective/forensic pathologist/police officer AU everyone loves so dearly in chat form (that part is mainly to satisfy my own needs).





	1. Heechul is Dunkin Donuts (in his mouth)

**Author's Note:**

> how could I NOT write a chatfic for my legendary kings

 

 **[JM got Superman shook]**  
_vivi supremacist joined the chat_  
_chany joined the chat_  
 _shoeman joined the chat_  
 _supermom joined the chat_  
 _im jongIN joined the chat_

vivi supremacist: I’m laughing my fucking ass off Leeteuk told Heechul that it is not decent(?) to eat 2 donuts at once or something

vivi supremacist: so he just screamed “FUCK YOUR BOUGIE ASS LEETEUK I DO WHAT I WANT IN THIS OFFICE” and shoved 4 donuts in his mouth

vivi supremacist: what an icon

im jongIN: the best part was Leeteuk looking disappointed because Heechul kept on staring at him every single time he ate a donut or anything else really 

im jongIN: like as if he's saying “IN YOUR FACE”

supermom: wow drama

vivi supremacist: I love my job

chany: dang the only interesting thing that happened here was us finding intestines in a man’s body

supermom: isn't that normal?

shoeman: they were a cow’s intestines

supermom: well that's quite a special diet he's following

im jongIN: these serial killers keep on getting more and more original

vivi supremacist: and that's exactly why we're straying away from God’s light

supermom: nothing special here either

supermom: other than

supermom: yk what? I’ll let Baekhyun tell you guys what he did.

shoeman: i have a bad feeling already

_baekpup joined the chat_

baekpup: hi y’all

supermom: baek tell everyone what you did

chany: here we gO

baekpup: dUde it's not that big of a deal a lot of people do this

im jongIN: please tell us already I’m super curious!

baekpup: I made out with the husband of the victim to get info out of him

supermom: you told me you slept with him.

baekpup: well it was late so we knocked out right after, soooooooo i DID sleep with him

supermom: BAEKHYUN

chany: i

vivi supremacist: did you at least get something interesting out of him

baekpup: yes ;)

vivi supremacist: that's my hyung

baekpup: I’ll email u

baekpup: gtg now

_baekpup left the chat_

shoeman: one of these days he's ACTUALLY going to hook up with a witness/suspect

vivi supremacist: at least he'll get laid. we don't even have time to breathe.

chany: lol true

chany: gtg yixing said he needs my help

_chany left the chat_

vivi supremacist: jongin and I’ll update you guys on Heechul and Leeteuk’s bickering lol

 


	2. save the bees gone wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's hard being a forensic pathologist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyy longer chap ;)  
> and yes Tiffany as in SNSD Tiffany
> 
> now edited and actually something decent

**[Junmyeon** **got Superman shook]**  
_vivi supremacist joined the chat_  
_chany joined the chat  
dks joined the chat_

chany: guys

dks: what do you want Park

chany: strawberry or banana milk?

chany: second: are you actually going to keep calling us by our last names even though we've all be friends for over half a decade and half of us have Kim as their surname?

vivi supremacist: wait wdum

vivi supremacist: and get hot chocolate/ask Yixing to make you one because his are heavenly

chany: I mean… Kim Junmyeon, Kim Minseok, Kim Jongdae, Kim Jongin..?

vivi supremacist: dang that really IS half of us

chany: oh yea ok I'll get hot chocolate

dks: well I address them all differently: _Kim_ = Junmyeon, Kim= Minseok, **Kim** = Jongdae and jongin is jongin

vivi supremacist: let me guess: italic because he annoys/embarrasses you, normal because he's the oldest, bold because he's loud as fuck and jongin because he's the only one you actually care for out of everyone in the maknae line

dks: correct

chany: sehun on his way to become a detective lmao

chany: but I don't think jongdae is that loud, baek is definitely louder

dks: you're the last person I want to hear that from

vivi supremacist: fuck off chanyeol have you heard jongdae whine? I actually want to go deaf when he starts complaining

——

 **[Junmyeon got Superman shook]**  
_shoeman joined the chat_  
_xing joined the chat_

xing: minseok!!

shoeman: oh hey yixing, are you on break too?

xing: no but I was actually going to call you because I couldn't find you! can you help me with sending a file to Luhan?

xing: I tried calling him too but he wasn't picking up

shoeman: he’s probably in a meeting

shoeman: don't print it. it's like… his pet peeve. I don't know why, because it's reallt weird, but he hates it. just send it to him through mail. or USB.

xing: oh okay thank you minmin! :)

shoeman: oh yeah by the way xing, where's chanyeol?

_im jongIN joined the chat_

im jongIN: heyyyy can I pass by with beer?

xing: I think he's vomiting because Tiffany walked by him with a head that was actually a beehive while he was eating some granola

im jongIN: I wasn't lying when I said that serial killers were getting more and more creative

shoeman: you get used to it

im jongIN: I feel like you guys are becoming borderline crazy too

shoeman: you have to be crazy to actually do this job

xing: haha very true

im jongIN: wait

im jongIN: it's 1AM

im jongIN: still at work?

xing: work hours are from end of graduation till we die

shoeman: i forgot what a break actually felt like…

im jongIN: did you guys eat??

xing: not after the beehive catastrophe no

shoeman: me neither

im jongIN: I’m at Sehun’s we can drop off some food if you want?

shoeman: you're an angel Jongin

xing: I think we’ll be done by the time you guys are here actually

shoeman: wait what about that Campbell case

xing: I did that actually

shoeman: holy shit how did you do it already?

xing: Tiff said that I should let the interns inspect Snyder’s body so I had time to work on the Campbell case

im jongIN: tiffany is the true mvp today

shoeman: legit

im jongIN: ok so we’ll pick you three up and eat at Sehun’s

im jongIN: down for a sleepover that actually includes sleeping?

shoeman: always

xing: I second that

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to introduce everyone a lil I'm sorry if you came from matcha macchiato and found this dry af the juice is coming pls bear w me


	3. when will luhan get his flute blown -bbh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> minseok living the hyung life and Junmyeon lowkey forgot he had a son ft. stupid ass chat rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UHHHHH SNSD OUT HERE MAKING ME FEEL THINGS N SHIT :(  
> AND SME OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO COVER IT UP W TAEMIN LMAO

**[Junmyeon got Superman shook]**  
_shoeman joined the chat_  
_baekpup joined the chat_  
_vivi supremacist joined the chat_  
_lu joined the chat_  
_supermom joined the chat_  
_xing joined the chat_  
_im jongIN joined the chat_

shoeman: nothing beats ordering maknae line around in sehun’s luxury hotel/house

lu: lmao right?

shoeman: shut the fuck up luhan you have an assistant

lu: dang wtf what's with you this morning

lu: I open this chat after 84 years and u hit me with this shit? really minseok? after all the Starbucks espressos I've bought for u?

supermom: suddenly I know where sehun got his sass from

vivi supremacist: yo tf

vivi supremacist: and don't listen to minseok’s extra ass jongin just made everyone coffee

supermom: there's something iffy about this story but whatever happens in sehun’s house should stay the fuck in there

baekpup: rt

xing: no that's actually what happened-

baekpup: you sure there bud?

supermom: suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuspicious

im jongIN: I get that you guys are detectives n all but you don't have to look into everything

lu: deadass why none of you can keep a relationship

shoeman: yikes™

baekpup: still get more action than you do though so see you later alligator ;)

vivi supremacist: you ruined your own diss

vivi supremacist: why

baekpup: chat rules headass

xing: chat rule number 17: no ‘extreme’ roasting between 01:00 and 5:48

vivi supremacist: that's all nice n shit but y

baekpup: ask the admin

vivi supremacist: whomst the fuck?

supermom: me the fuck

lu: who would've fucking guessed

supermom: shut your potty mouth

lu: YOU CURSE MORE THAN I DO

supermom: also luhan I want you to reflect on your actions

supermom: why did you feel the need to insult baek

im jongIN: this chat went from minseok’s betrayal to the realest baek protection squad too fast

lu: 1. after chan and tao he's the easiest to pick on 2. jongin is too much of a teddy bear and half of this chat would be at my throat if I even tried to attack that baby and 3. sehun is the only person other than kyungsoo who has dirt on me

xing: luhan….. even I have dirt on you

xing: actually did myeonnie even realize that he was insulted as well

baekpup: I would say exposed but this is old news

shoeman: so we collectively agree that #3 was a shitty excuse? great.

supermom: did you gain anything from putting him down luhan?

lu: why am I having a therapy session at 5 AM

lu: and Junmyeon please we talk shit about each other all the time are you really gonna do this

im jongIN: he does have a very solid point

supermom: it's not about you shitting on baek honestly, I have nothing against that

supermom: it's about you roasting between 01:00-05:48

baekpup: I

baekpup: right when I thought there was hope for us to have a decent and loving family….. this is tragic

lu: are you being serious right now

vivi supremacist: as much as I love drama why isn't roasting between 01:00-05:48 ALLOWED???

supermom: we put that rule in during college

supermom: because some of you decided to start a rap battle (over FUCKING text) at 4AM

supermom: which resulted in Kyungsoo not getting enough sleep before his exam

shoeman: wait

shoeman: does this mean that college ksoo didn't have this chat muted

baekpup: how did I nOt know this

vivi supremacist: I feel so loved

im jongIN: ^

lu: so we’re doing this so ksoo doesn't stab us?

supermom: basically

lu: say it like that then smh

baekpup: I still feel betrayed though

baekpup: :(

vivi supremacist: WAIT I forgot to tell you guys about Heechul and Leeteuk

im jongIN: yes yesterday was a blessing lmao

lu: what are those two up to again

vivi supremacist: basically Heechul and Leeteuk

xing: yes go on

vivi supremacist: I forgot

im jongIN: sehun i

vivi supremacist: do you remember

im jongIN: I only remember Heechul saying something like “are you drinking Starbucks again? really Leeteuk? in my good asian neighborhood?” and Leeteuk said something witty as well but I forgot

baekpup: we should ask dae when he's awake

xing: yeah

shoeman: lowkey gonna attack Heechul when I see him starbucks helps people forget

lu: that is true, but at what cost?

supermom: oh fuck it's almost time for my son to wake up and go to school

supermom: I want to Die

shoeman: once you're a forensic pathologist you become one with death

supermom: great how do I sign up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my name is byuniehoney but you can contact me on ig (byuniehoney/yoonfluff) and tumblr (sad-pastel) a n y t I m E 
> 
> (when will my dads aka 2pm return from war)


	4. a story of twenty three (23) hotdogs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> minseok for best uncle and best best friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHOS BACK BACK AGAIN (me)  
> (im back)  
> (enjoy the crack)

**[Junmyeon got Superman shook]**  
_chany joined the chat_  
_baekpup joined the chat_  
_daengel joined the chat_  
_dks joined the chat_  
_supermom joined the chat_

daengel: when you're told to check a crime scene out and you just see baekhyun drinking a cosmopolitan as kyungsoo pokes a corpse

chany: just another ordinary day in our lives

baekpup: no better way to start the morning than drinking a cosmopolitan as I am surrounded by corpses

supermom: this is it.

supermom: now I know that I'm the only sane one in this group.

dks: congratulations I guess?

daengel: Kris would deny your statement

supermom: but you see, yifan hasn’t been online in 84 years, so his opinion is invalid

baekpup: watch him get online and pull a “surprise bitch, I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me”

supermom: nah he has this chat muted since day one

daengel: Baekhyun no one watches American horror story in this chat please stop making ahs jokes

chany: except me

daengel: except chanyeol

baekpup: still highkey offended by that btw. y'all have to start watching it

dks: or, alternatively, you stop procrastinating on work?

baekpup: maybe in another universe soo <3

supermom: anyway guys!!!

chany: ??

_shoeman joined the chat_

supermom: guess what my son just gave me

daengel: uh

baekpup: a kiss

supermom: other than that

chany: something sweet, that's for sure, he's super caring (def for a 13 y/o)

dks: you know we suck at shit like this please move on

supermom: 2 movie tickets. he gave me 2 movie tickets to iron man.

daengel: when even Junmyeon’s son is richer than you I fucking hate my job

supermom: no dumbass he won them

dks: how?

supermom: apparently he got dared to join a hotdog eating contest by his friends @ their school festival and he won (23 hotdogs in total)

baekpup: ME AS HELL

baekpup: tell him that uncle byun is proud

supermom: but no guys listen he's going on a school trip next Monday so he wanted to spend time with me before that I'm this close to crying

shoeman: wow soft fhdhjs

shoeman: it's always things like this that make me want to have/adopt a kid

daengel: awe that's cute he's such a sweetie

chany: gtg Tiffany’s calling

_chany left the chat_

shoeman: our breaks have been overlapping these days, how convenient

baekpup: ngl I missed having those wild conversation we had back in college

baekpup: like the “supermom” convo ;)

supermom: ohmygdo baekie

daengel: did you mean Halloween back in our first year of college?

shoeman: I don't remember jack what happened

dks: it was a mess (I think you passed out before jm showed up)

supermom: basically I ordered this superman costume online, it was $19 so I should've known

baekpup: AND WHEN IT ARRIVED I CRACKED UP

supermom: instead of it being a superman costume it turned out to be a wonder woman costume.

daengel: anyway he wears it bc fuck it

daengel: but his kid sees him and goes “ DAD IS THAT A SUPERWOMAN COSTUME??? DOES THIS MAKE YOU SUPERDA- SUPERMOM???”

supermom: basically my username is a constant reminder of how I shouldn't trust amazon

shoeman: you guys are fucking nerds I can't BELIEVE

dks: it isn't even that funny……

  
**private chat between [myeonnie] and [minseok hyung <3]**

minseok hyung <3: hey Junmyeon.

myeonnie: yes?

minseok hyung <3: Yunho’s camp starts next week right?

myeonnie: yeah

minseok hyung <3: listen I know that you're going to worry your ass off but don't okay? he's a responsible kid (and he's 13?).

myeonnie: I’m just… he got homeschooled up until this year so this is technically his first trip alone

minseok hyung <3: you guys prepared his luggage already right?

myeonnie: yup

minseok hyung <3: see? you're done

minseok hyung <3: how about you come over then and just stay at my place for a whole week next week?

myeonnie: actually, I'd love that

minseok hyung <3: okay ttyl :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to name kjm's son yunho but then realization hit me (no he isn't yunho from tvxq for anyone who's wondering 8 just chose the first name that came to my mind)

**Author's Note:**

> updates will be on Fridays from now on! so yes there will be another update this week.
> 
> feel free to comment whatever you like! it can really be anything. you wanna exclaim your love for zhang yixing? im all ears sweetie. want longer chapters? coming ur way ;)
> 
> you can contact me on tumblr (@sad-pastel) and Instagram (@byuniehoney)
> 
> I'd link y'all but idk how that works so rip sorry


End file.
